Sunday, April 27, 2008

“Cute squirrel. Is it dead yet?”

Do I hate squirrels? They bark at me. They scurry atop my roof. They try to invade my home. And I swear they’ve tossed nuts at me on occasion. Squirrels and I have some history. It’s not pleasant.

I’m sure there are those of you who treasure the little creatures and would take offense to anyone harming them. How sweet. You should form a tree rat appreciation club. Build yourself a big tree house and commune with the pests. Think of me when you are getting your rabies shots.

In the meantime, I take the role of being the apex predator in New Albany neighborhoods very seriously. Furry vermin are in the cross-hairs. I’m wondering how many it would take to make myself a fur lined winter coat. Fifty? A hundred? Some fur lined house slippers sound nice too.

The source for this rant? Upon taking a seat after a very long day of cleaning up New Albany ("who really needs trash cans when you have an alley", another rant coming soon) I heard a strange sound at the front door. This is what I saw.

A cat apparently had chased this guy up on my front porch. He wanted in badly. After taking these shots I sprinted to the garage looking for some tool to end this vermin’s life. Shovel? Whacking stick? I settled on a broom, mostly concerned about collateral damage to the house.

He’d vacated the porch by the time I got there. I can only hope the cat did its job.

Of course I don’t really hate anything. But I do have an extreme dislike for these furry tree vermin. For more reading on why all squirrels must die visit the website – All Squirrels Must Die!

9 comments:

Brandon W. Smith said...

Bushy tail commie tree rats...

April said...

That's crazy! Didn't you have a bat in your house at some time?

TedF said...

Yes, the bat episode was last August. Thanks for bringing that up :)

April said...

A couple weeks ago I went shopping in the White House Centre They were all standing outside their shops talking about how a bat was inside the building and they had just gotten the bat out.

Not sure which is better, to have a squirrel in the house or a bat.

bluegill said...

The squirrel death site says some squirrels creep into their rivals' nests and chew the testicles of the male young.

Sleep tight.

TedF said...

Sweet Mother of all that is holy! Bluegill, that is not cool. I'm going to have to wear a cup to bed now!

ceece said...

oh Jeff that's so awesome.

Poor Ted and his daily battles.

G.Coyle said...

Ted, you need a little Terrier to "rat" em out. I'll loan you mind.
thanks for the sprucing up in town - much appreciated.

Larry M. Summers said...

I'm late commenting, but this is utterly priceless. And to think, I have felt bad for harboring four squirrel killing machines on my property--for some reason Siberian Huskies just can't get enough squirrel.